Bigger than my body

So today was incredibly hard.

I had a lot of hopes pinned on all the new techniques our paed has recommended to address the sleep situation in our house. And while it’s slightly better, it’s not where we need it to be. She woke up at 3am for two hours. Then she napped for a total of 15 minutes all day. She was cranky and testing ALL the boundaries. I was cranky with everyone, including her brother who doesn’t deserve it. Neither of them deserve this.

Sometimes I watch my kids and think they are so small. They delight in the whole world because it is all new to them. It’s a joy to watch them grow, expand and unfurl, hurling themselves at all the mysteries of this strange world. But then I think I am so small. Can they see how small I am when I lose my temper? When I hurry them into the bath instead of listening to an interesting factoid about sloths? When I snap in desperation at 4.30 that please please for the love of god just go to sleep already?

They are so big. They forgive me all of it, cuddling up to me and squishing their little faces right up against mine. I recently had a series of tough conversations with a friend. In the midst of this, I asked my husband if I am maybe just the worst friend in the world. My son, overhearing this, told me I’m the best friend in the whole world. He now tells me this every day. Even on days when I’ve been rotten and not the best at anything, let alone being a friend or a mom. He is so big. His capacity for compassion bowls me over. His empathy brings me to my knees.

Anyway. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I’ll be better, bigger, big enough to be the mom they deserve, these giants I am raising.

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